Babysitting and Other Extreme Activities
by The Anonymous Candybar
Summary: Santana doesn't like kids. This is why.
1. Chapter 1

Santana doesn't like kids. They are loud, they are smelly, sticky, bratty, gross, annoying, and more high maintenance than she is- which is a serious problem. She doesn't do the whole 'taking care of other people' thing unless it's for Brittany, and even then it's just the bare minimum because Brittany is a big girl and can take care of herself. Santana isn't a people person, and she certainly isn't a _little_ people person.

So when Brittany calls her and asks her if she wants to help Kurt and Blaine babysit Beth with her because Ms. Corcoran is busy filming a movie, Santana's automatic response is a very enthusiastic, "Hell no."

She is very adamant in her decision… That is, until Brittany manages to persuade her to reconsider through unfair (but highly appreciated) methods and that ridiculous pout of hers. Sometimes Santana really, really hates her girlfriend.

The sentiment still rings true in fresh as she drags her feet up the walkway to Brittany's house, scowling and determined to be in a bad mood all night to make Brittany understand her absolute displeasure at the situation. She doesn't even know why it makes sense to babysit Beth at Brittany's house. Why couldn't it be done at Kurt's house? Why are they even babysitting Beth? That thing is the spawn of Quinn and Puck- _they_ should be taking care of it.

She then remembers that Quinn is out of town, and Puck had wanted to name Beth _Jackie freaking Daniels_ once upon a time. She subsequently decides that maybe it's a better idea to keep the pipsqueak away from him. Far away.

Brittany opens the door before Santana can even knock, grinning widely. "Yay! You're here! Come on, Kurt, Blaine, and Beth are in the living room."

"How old is the midget now?" Santana asks, shutting the door behind her when Brittany forgets to.

"Three." Brittany's answer is barely audible as she skips in to the living room. Santana hears Brittany announce Santana's presence as she follows, much more slowly.

There is a loud squeal, and a tiny little brown-haired girl dashes around the corner and promptly attaches herself to Santana's legs. "HI SANTANA! I'M BETH! IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU!"

Santana is thrown for a serious loop. What the hell? "Uh. Hi."

The little girl grins up at her, tiny teeth flashing white. Like a fricken baby Quinn, but with brown hair. It kind of creeps Santana out a little bit. "Kurt told me aaall about you! And Blaine said- he said- he said that you are a boss! What are you a boss at?"

"Everything." Santana deadpans as Blaine trots around the corner, smiling. He leans against the wall and just watches as Beth's eyes grow wide with wonder.

"Everything?" She parrots. Santana feels a twinge. She attributes it to annoyance, because she absolutely does _not_ find children cute.

"Okay, Kiddo, let's leave Satan here to brood." Blaine steps forward and frees Santana's lower legs from the grasp of the tiny, undoubtedly sticky, fingers. He lifts her up and throws her over his shoulder. "We miss you in the living room." He glances over his shoulder and gestures for Santana to follow him.

She rolls her eyes, but follows if only for the sake of teasing Blaine about his height, or his hair, or his school of singing gay kids.

"Hi!" Brittany chirps when they enter the living room. She is fiddling with the DVD player while Kurt watches, transfixed. He has trouble believing Brittany can actually operate the device. "We're about to watch a movie! What do you want to watch?"

"Put Harry Potter in." Santana immediately suggests.

"Nice choice." Blaine whistles appreciatively. "I agree with Santana. Harry Potter."

But Kurt is frowning at them now, looking almost incredulous. "Really?"

"What?" Santana asks defensively. "You got a problem?"

"No, I do admit that I am a fan of Rowling's work, but this is the perfect opportunity to introduce Beth to the wonderful creature that is Johnny Depp." He waves around the case to _Pirates of the Caribbean: the Black Pearl_, as if to emphasize his point. "To waste this chance would be spitting in the face of all that is beautiful and _perfect_."

"I like pirates." Brittany comments. "Once I met a man with an eye patch. He asked if I had any booty, so I gave him a quarter."

"Come on, we can watch Harry Potter afterwards." Kurt adds. "I mean, it's not like you guys don't like Pirates, right?"

"That's true." Blaine says with a shrug, and even Santana consents to back down from what she guesses would have been a good (and entertaining) argument in favor of sitting on the couch.

As Brittany curls up next to her and Beth claims a spot on her lap, dread suddenly fills her stomach as she gets the strange sense that should have argued. Oh god, she should have argued. But the movie is starting, and she doesn't even know where the feeling came from, so she shakes it off and watches the movie.

**GLEE**

"My hair! _Ruined_!" Kurt wails as he struggles against his restraints. He pauses in his wiggling and casts a scathing glare at Santana. "This is _your_ fault, I hope you realize!"

Santana snarls at him, tugging uselessly at the ropes around her wrists. They are back to back, bound tightly to chairs, as Brittany, Beth, and Blaine dance around them singing that one annoying pirate song from that kid's show with the puppets and the girl with the pink hair. She can't believe Kurt has the audacity to blame _her_ for this.

"Oh yeah," she snarks, "let's blame Santana, this is all Santana's fault, because she _totally_ didn't want to watch Harry Potter or anything! What-the-fuck-ever! _You're_ the one that wanted to watch Pirates of the fucking Caribbean!"

"Language!" Kurt scolds with a meaningful glance at Beth, who is perched on top of Brittany's shoulders and giggling like some sort of madman. "I apologize for wanting to expose Beth to the finesse of Johnny Depp!"

"And your monster of a boyfriend to the idea of plundering and pillaging!" Santana's eyes follow Blaine. He has donned a newspaper pirate hat and is holding a hanger like it's some sort of hook hand.

"Yeah? Well-," Kurt promptly shuts his mouth, because as his eyes travel to Blaine he realizes that he really doesn't have a legitimate argument to that. "Well… well… Well how come Britt can tie such tight knots?" He snaps, latching onto something he _can_ use as ammo, because seriously? He doesn't even _know_ what kind of training Brittany had as a child, but the way she was able to easily bind them to their chairs in a matter of _seconds_ terrifies him.

Santana turns around to look at him, eyes blank. "Hummel, I'm going to spare you your innocence and _not_ answer that question."

Kurt blanches. Lovely. He had _so_ wanted that mental image. "Ugh… how long until Quinn gets back?"

"She's over with her grandparents… we're here all night."

"Fucking shit." Kurt mutters, apparently forgetting that Quinn's three-year-old child is within earshot.

"Well said."

Beth suddenly starts repeating, "Fucking shit!" over and over. She toddles over to Santana and crawls up into her lap. "Momma Coo says you're a bad influence," she takes her time to pronounce that last word carefully. "Does that mean you're a good outfluence?"

"Quinn doesn't know what she's talking about." Santana snaps.

"But Mommy says that Momma Coo is super smart and always right! Momma Coo also says you're a raging bitch." She wrinkles her nose. "What's a bitch?"

"If I tell you, will you untie me?"

Santana regrets asking, because her question causes Beth to suddenly remember that she's a pirate and Santana is a 'helpless poppet.' She jumps off of Santana's lap and starts hollering about treasure and zombie pirates.

Santana hates kids. So, so much.


	2. Chapter 2

Because... a conclusion needed to be written? I don't know. Have a cookie.

**GLEE**

Mike doesn't normally get calls from Santana. Actually, he never gets calls from her. He hadn't even known that they had exchanged numbers until now, at two in the morning, but apparently they had at some point because his phone is ringing obscenely loudly and the caller ID claims it to be Santana Lopez.

"Hello? Santana?" He answers groggily.

His ear is suddenly assaulted by a lot of laughing, and he thinks that maybe Santana drunk-dialed him from a party. Then he hears Brittany's voice answer with a cheery, "Hi, Mike!"

"Brittany? Uh, hi. Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah? O-kay." He draws the word out with a yawn. "So why are you calling at two in the morning?" Her answer confounds him greatly, and he has to repeat it to make sure he has heard right. "Santana is tied to a chair… Okay, th- Kurt too? Why- _actually_ don't answer that!"

Brittany laughs. "It's not like _that_, silly!"

She explains further and he sighs, wiping a hand over his face. "Oh, so you're playing pirates with Beth… and you want me to join? As a pirate?" His eyebrows pull together in a frown. "I can't, Britt. I love you, but I can't." Before she can argue, he goes on to explain, "I'm Asian. I'm automatically a ninja."

With that, he hangs up on her and starts to dial Tina's number.

This is bad. This is very, very bad.

**GLEE**

Her boyfriend is so weird. He calls her in the middle of the night, tells her to come over, urging her with a matter of great importance… and when she gets there she sees him standing in his front yard dressed in black, with a red cloth mask covering his face, a red belt around his waist, and two plastic swords strapped to his back.

"Mike…" She starts, but he shoves a bundle of clothes into her hands and starts to tie a red headband around his forehead.

"We're going to Brittany's."

Yeah, because that's so normal. "… Why are we going to Brittany's house? At two in the morning?"

"Britt and Blaine tied Santana and Kurt to chairs." He says promptly, ushering her inside and into a bathroom.

"Okay…" She says through the door. "And why are we going dressed as ninjas…?"

The door suddenly opens, and Tina remembers at the last second not to yelp too loudly because Mike still lives at home and his parents are asleep.

The look on his face is serious, more intense than she has ever seen it (she finds it kind of hot). "They're playing pirates." He says, as if this explains everything. When Tina continues to stare at him, he sighs and steps fully into the bathroom. "As self-respecting Asians, we _must_ show Beth the light! Ninjas are obviously superior to the likes of those drunken, sloppy brutes… I'll be damned to Asian Hell if I let Beth become a pirate lover!"

He exits the bathroom and leaves Tina to finish changing so that he can call Sam for backup. She shakes her head and wonders how she should break it to her boyfriend that she prefers pirates over ninjas. For the time being, however, she decides to lend him a hand, if only because he mentioned that Kurt was tied to a chair and she knew he'd be royally pissed if he couldn't start his moisturizing routine because he was otherwise occupied.

**GLEE**

Santana glares at her girlfriend, who is standing in front of her with an innocent smile. She has found the pirate outfit she wore for Halloween the other year and is now wearing it with pride. Her eye patch has a little pink heart on it, and even now all Santana can think about is how sexy that shirt looks on her.

"Brittany," Santana seethes, turning her thoughts in a different direction, "give me my phone."

Brittany shakes her head, still smiling. "'Tis loot that I have plundered!"

"If you keep talking like that I'll cut you off."

"No you won't." Kurt says dully from Santana's back. "She has you wrapped around her finger."

"Shut up, Hummel, I'm trying to negotiate our release here."

He grunts. Blaine has wandered off with Beth and is preparing root beer floats for their pillaging trio. They have dubbed themselves the _Brash Blights of Badness_.

"Hey, Britt!" Blaine calls from the kitchen. "What flavor of ice cream do you want?"

"No, wait, babe, don't go-," Santana's words are lost on her girlfriend as she twirls into the kitchen, singing that damn pirate song again.

Right now, Santana really wants to plunder Blaine's family jewels. By plundering, she means kick the crap out of.

Suddenly, the door flies open. Nobody is there. Santana and Kurt stare at the open door for a second, then they glance at each other over their shoulders. After a few seconds, two people dressed in black roll in, pop up to their feet, and look around. A third walks in like a normal person and stands behind the other two. The first one's eyes land on Kurt and Santana. She manages to recognize him and his friend beneath their masks.

"Mike, Sam! Thank god!"

Her heart sinks when Mike's only answer is to point at them and ask in a loud, sharp voice, "You, civilians! Ninja or pirate?"

She frowns uncertainly. She isn't really partial to either. "Will our answer determine whether or not we get untied?"

"Absolutely."

"Weeell," Kurt's voice sounds from behind her, "ninjas certainly possess more skill and grace, but their outfits are _so_ drab. Pirates have many more fashion opportunities, not to mention they have Johnny Depp on their side. As such, I would have to say-,"

"NINJAS." Santana cuts him off. "Ninjas. All the way. _Ignore Kurt_."

He nods and steps forward to get started on releasing them. She notices Tina behind him with Sam and feels relieved- maybe between Jackie Chan, Trouty Mouth, Tina, Kurt, and herself, they'll be able to talk some sense into Brittany and Blaine.

This apparently is not to be, however, because at that moment Beth enters and sees Mike, Sam, and Tina.

"Intruders!" She shrieks, pointing at them. "Captain, Captain! Look!"

Blaine barrels through the door, a plastic sword in hand. Santana doesn't even have time to wonder where he got it from. "Ar, so it be! Ahoy, maties! 'Tis the scurvy shadows of humanity! ATTACK!"

That said, he launches himself at Sam, who pulls out his plastic nun-chucks. Brittany joins the fight, whacking at Mike with a broom while he blocks the blows with his swords. Beth finds Tina in the midst of it all and asks her if she wants some ice cream, and Tina leaves Santana and Kurt to join the little girl for a late night snack.

"I hate kids." Santana says to Kurt, slumping back in her seat.

Kurt watches as Sam screams Na'vi battle cries and jumps up on the couch, locked in intense battle with Blaine. "You love them." He says absently. "You wouldn't be able to be around us every day if you didn't."

Thirty minutes and an intense battle later, Blaine has been subdued by Sam, Mike is at the mercy of the tip of Brittany's broom, and Tina and Beth have called a truce over ice cream. Beth climbs up into Santana's lap. "You're the best poppet ever." She lays her head on Santana's shoulder and falls asleep.

And Santana's heart does not melt. She still thinks kids are gross and obnoxious and bratty. Beth is certainly not an exception. Nope, no way.

"Stop smiling at me like that." She snaps at Kurt.

"Like what?" He smirks.

"Like you just witnessed a puppy and a kitten curl up together and puke a rainbow."

"Vivid." Kurt scoffs, trying to decide whether he is repulsed by the mental image Santana has painted for him, or if he is amused that she even thought of such a thing. He strains his head in an attempt to look at her. "Does it irritate you?"

"No, what irritates me is that I'm tied to a fucking chair and _my girlfriend hasn't untied yet_!" She directs that last bit at Brittany. The blonde pauses in swatting at Mike to shoot Santana a wide, innocent smile like she's asking _whatever could she mean_?

Santana grumbles to herself and lets her eyes rake the living room. Brittany has pulled Mike to his feet and Blaine and Sam are shaking hands.

"Attention world!" Brittany says loudly. "Pirates and ninjas have called a truce! We will now go out and get more ice cream because I spilled ours and we need to celebrate!"

"Huzzah!" Sam adds, and he follows Mike, Tina, Blaine, and Brittany out the door.

"Wait!" Kurt yells after them. "Wait, don't-!" the door slams shut. "… don't forget about us…"

"Yeah." Santana sighs, leaning her head back. "We're gonna be here all night."

She thinks that, as long as Beth doesn't drool, she'll be okay with that. After all, it's not every day a- okay, fine, Santana will admit it- ridiculously adorable three-year-old falls asleep in your lap.

**GLEE**

"Thanks so much." Quinn says as she takes Beth from Brittany. "Ms. Corcoran asked me to babysit out of the blue, and we were already packed for my grandparents'… Thanks so much for stepping in."

"Momma Coo, we played pirates and ninjas!" Beth says excitedly, and Quinn answers her with a distracted, '_I'm sure that was a lot of fun, honey_.'

Brittany smiles. "Come over again sometime, Ducky." She kisses Beth's forehead.

When Quinn leaves, Brittany goes into the kitchen to see Kurt, Santana, and Blaine at the table, poking at waffles.

"You know," Santana says when Brittany sits down next to her, "Except for the whole getting tied to a chair part, last night was kind of fun."

"Really?" Kurt asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah. I mean, Beth is a pretty cool kid. I mean, how many three-year-olds do you know that can watch the creepy skeleton pirate pop his eyes out, and laugh instead of cry?"

"Point." Kurt concedes. A smile splits his face. "Well, since you enjoyed this so much, would you mind giving me a hand next week? My little cousin is coming into town and-,"

The door slams before any of them even realize Santana has stormed out.

Kurt and Blaine stare at the chair that had been occupied only moments before. Brittany starts to laugh. "Don't worry, that's a yes."


End file.
